Attack of the Clowns
by Mr. Spark
Summary: A very loose spoof of Attack of the Clones. Rumor has it that you may laugh if you read this post. If you do, do tell me on the review page. Cheers. Go on, click it.


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ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS

By John Lukeass.

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**FADE IN**

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Wowz. The Galaxy's inhabitants are going wacky. There's this totally cool dude called Count Dude, who is played by some weak old fella with a white beard,  
and he's going around trying to make hassle. Thanks. Oh, and we've got this awesome guy called Anakin. He's da bomb! Thanks for reading,  
here's the film.

**INT. SPACESHIP.**

TYPHO, PADME, AND A FEMALE PILOT sit in a space ship, then BOOM they're gone.

TYPHO: Holy shit, what was that?!

PADME: I think it was a bomb which blew me up. Because I think I'm busy dying. Aghh.

**INT. SENATE.**

CHANCELLOR WRINKLENOSE is speaking.

CHANCELLOR: Crap, crap crap. Senator Padme has been blasted to hell.

EXT. SPACESHIP

PADME AMIDALA is running round dancing.

It turns out it was CORDE not PADME who got boomed.

AMIDALA: Heeheee woohooo, one of my cousins got blasted not me. Wow everyone.

CORDE: Hey stop laughing, I am dying.

AMIDALA: I know you are. Heh heh. But I'm not.

CORDE dies.

AMIDALA: Sorry. I'll miss you. But less than I'd miss myself. Heh heh.

**INT. SENATE:**

WRINKLEFACE: Uhh hold on. Yeah. Let's pretend to be neutral. Uh,  
senators. Have an argument, please. I'm bored.

SENATOR 1: We want an ARMY. Bigass big dude huge blasting army.

SENATOR 2:: Fucka off yousa warmonger.

Suddenly PADME AMIDALA comes in.

PADME: Hey, I'm idealistic and all this shit. Err. Stop shooting each other. Make peace.

WRINKLEFACE: Wow, you should be dead.

PADME: No, I had my cousin disguise as me, while I came in like a little coward. Now my cousin's dead not me. Heh heh.

WRINKLEFACE: Wowz. Let's cheer.

**INT. SENATE OFFICE.**

WRINKLEFACE: Hey, Padme. Guess what? You need a bodyguard.

PADME: No I don't.

OBIWAN: What kind of idiot is this. A politician who doesn't want a bodyguard?

PADME: Yeah I'm thick aren't I.

ANAKIN: No you're fucking HOT!

OBIWAN gives Anakin a VERY angry look.

ANAKIN: I mean you're FUCKING SHORT... for a senator... a politician... Err. Fuck it. Sorry.

OBIWAN: Stop using the F-word.

ANAKIN: Sorry, Obi-fucking-wan.

PADME: Is this the idiot who is going to be protecting me?

ANAKIN: Yeah, wacky isn't it?

OBI-WAN: Sure. An idiot to protect an idiot. Heh heh.

WRINKLEFACE: Alright. Stop arguing. Now err Padme. Go away. If you stay on Coruscant I will... some bastard will kill you. Have a nice day. Muahahaha.

OBIWAN: What was that evil laugh about?

WRINKLEFACE: I just suddenly remembered Anakin calling you "Obi-Fucking-Wan."

**INT. PADME'S APARTMENT.**

ANAKIN runs around like a nervous little teenager about to see his first girlfriend.

OBIWAN: Wow you're nervous.

ANAKIN bites his nails and shivers:

ANAKIN: No.It's just the cold weather.

OBIWAN: What are you on about, it is hot.

ANAKIN: I know she is.

OBIWAN: I didn't say Padme, I meant the weather was hot.

ANAKIN: Oh.

PADME Comes in.

ANAKIN: Hello. It's VERY nice to meet you.

ANAKIN kisses PADME, who pushes him away.

ANAKIN: Sorry, that's how they say hello in the Jedi Temple.

OBIWAN: What the f... blazes? That's bantha shit... I said spit. Anyway, we're here to find out who is trying to shoot you, and we're gonna kick his rather insolent backside.  
Oooooh yeah.

ANAKIN: Muahhaha. I love fighting. Muahhaah I will cut his eyes out one by one and slice his tounge with a vibroblade...

OBIWAN gives ANAKIN another reproving look.

PADME: Wow you will always be that evil little boy I knew on Tatooine.

ANAKIN looks away, embaressed.

OBIWAN: Um. This is my young padawan. He's ermm. Some people say he's a psycho. He's a little bit too keen on lightsaber combat, and a little bit too keen on you, frankly, but otherwise he's terrific.

ANAKIN: You bet I'm teriffic.

PADME: Alright. Hang around, and when they come to shoot me, make sure they shoot one of my cousins instead.

OBIWAN: Will do.

ANAKIN: Oh, we're going to find out who it is too. Do an investigation, you know.

OBIWAN: No we're not.

ANAKIN: Yes we fucking are. Oh sorry.

PADME: Wow, you've really grown up, Annie. Not.

ANAKIN: Sorry. I've been taking spice. It makes you act like you're drunk.

PADME: Ok. Well I'm going to sleep. See you. Oh. My cousin sleeps next door. Make sure she get's killed not me.

OBIWAN: You already told us that.

PADME: Oh well. See you.

**INT. PADME'S APARTMENT.**

ANAKIN: Wow she's really bitchy isn't she?

OBIWAN: Not really, you are just making a complete fool of yourself.

ANKIN: Spice is nice.

OBIWAN looks at the security screen.

OBIWAN: Oh look, she's done something silly again.

ANAKIN (sarcastically): Padme -- done something silly? Impossible! What has she done now?

OBIWAN: Disabled the security cameras.

ANAKIN: That's interesting. She wants us to save her life, then she turns off the cameras. I guess she didn't want me watching her sleep.

OBIWAN: Yeah, she's like that.

ANAKIN: Hold on, let's get into a long discussion. I want a good topic.

OBIWAN: What sucks?

ANAKIN: I don't know. Your lectures?

OBIWAN: Hey, shut up. What is that on your belt anyway?

ANAKIN: A lightsaber.

OBIWAN: What is a lightsaber?

ANAKIN: It's a Jedi's most precious posession. Unless he falls in love with some hot senator.

OBIWAN: See, you suck. Hahahahaha.

ANAKIN: You are wacky.

ANAKIN suddenly almost faints.

ANAKIN: Oh my force!

He BURSTS into Padme's room, and sees an ugly creature attempting to POISON Padme.

ANAKIN jumps on top of PADME, and KILLS the poision centipedes, and leaps for ZAM.

OBIWAN also leaps for Zam, but ends up LANDING on top of a flying DROID.

OBIWAN (nearly falls off the droid): That was where the fun nearly ended.

OBIWAN flies through the streets ontop of the flying droid.

Meanwhile Anakin hops into a speeder.

OBIWAN falls off the flying Droid and lands in Anakin's speeder.

ANAKIN: Nice of you to drop in. That was wacky. I almost lost you in traffic.

OBIWAN: Yeah you were late.

ANAKIN: I had to get a real nice speeder. Open cockpit and shit. And then I needed a really gonzo color.

OBIWAN: If you spent as much time on fenceing as you did on being a wow-funny son of a bitch, you'd rival Yoda.

ANAKIN: I already do. I killed him yesterday.

OBIWAN (stunned): What?!

ANAKIN: Nah I'm just kidding. Umm oh yeah. We're supposed to be chasing this twit who's trying to kill my girlfriend.

OBIWAN: Girlfriend?

ANAKIN: I said... whirlpen.

OBIWAN: What's a whirlpen?

ANAKIN: Whirlpen is err... yeah. Whirlpen is Tattooineish slang for a politician. Because politicians spend a lot of time whirling pens around writing stuff.

OBIWAN (suspicious): Hmmm...

ANAKIN flies into a tunned to chase ZAM BITCHFACE, but has to turn backwards when a commuter transport comes speeding towards them.

ANAKIN: Wowz. We nearly got killed.

OBIWAN (sarcastic): Wow that was good!

ANAKIN (sarcastic): Hahahahah. You're sooo funny, ObiWan.

OBIWAN: Shut up. Anyway we lost that weirdo who is trying to kill your "whirlpen."

ANAKIN: No we didn't. You're wrong again. As usual.

OBIWAN: Oh yeah. There he is. 50 stories below.

ANAKIN leaps out of the open window.

OBIWAN: I just looooove it when he does that. (screams to Anakin sarcastically)  
You're soooo clever, Ani!

ANAKIN: You're sooooooo sarcastic, Obi-fucking-wan.

ANAKIN lands ontop of ZAM'S speeder.

ANAKIN: Hello, bitchface.

ZAM: Hey, How do you know my name?

ANAKIN: I didn't. That's just what I call you. Because you're a right bitch.

ZAM: Well actually, my name _is_ bitchface.

ANAKIN: Hahahahahaahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahaahahahahahah. That's awesome. Your mother must have been a fucking moron.

ZAM: Shut up, it's a better name than Skywalker. Who the hell ever walks in the sky?

ANAKIN: I do! Did you not see me just sky-walk down 50 stories onto your speeder?

ZAM: No, you fell.

ANAKIN: No I skywalked.

ZAM: Hey wait, are you PADME's bodyguard?

ANAKIN: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to kill you.

ZAM: Wacky.

ZAM blasts Anakin's lightsaber away.

ANAKIN: Crap. So now I'm going to have to force choke you, eh?

ZAM: Ah no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

ANAKIN: Apology accepted, captain Bitchface.

As ZAM chokes, OBIWAN rides under and catches ANAKIN's lightsaber.

ZAM starts squirming so badly that she falls out of the speeder and lands on the pavement.

ANAKIN jumps out after her.

ANAKIN: Hey come back, I haven't finished force-choking you yet!

OBIWAN comes up behnd ANAKIN.

OBIWAN: Did you say Force-Choke?! That's DARK!

ANAKIN: No, I said Force-_Poke_! It's a sort of little punishment you do if someone irritates you. Force poke them.

OBIWAN (Suspicious): Hmm... Anyway, let's find this Bounty Hunter. What's he called?

ANAKIN: No it's a she. Her name is Zam Bitchface.

OBIWAN (cries with laughter): haahhahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahah!

ANAKIN: Yeah funny isn't it. Now. Let's find her.

ANAKIN walks into the bar.

OBIWAN follows.

OBIWAN goes to the BARMAN.

OBIWAN: Get me a drink for free, barman.

BARMAN: You must be kidding. It costs 50 credits per drink.

OBIWAN (waves his hands): You will get me a drink for free.

BARMAN: I will get you a drink for free.

ANAKIN: Heh heh. That's neat.

OBIWAN: How amazing, you missed an oppurtunity to use your favorite word "wacky!"

ANAKIN: Shut up.

Meanwhile, ZAM BITCHFACE pulls her blaster.

OBIWAN drinks the spice, then runs dancing around the BAR swinging his ignited lightsaber, knocking down patrons. BITCHFACE can't get a good shot on him because he's dancing all over, drunk beyond sanity. In the chaos, he cuts down BITCHFACE.

ANAKIN runs over and stops OBIWAN, then tips him upside down so the spice falls out of his stomach through his mouth.

OBIWAN: Uh. Where were we? Oh yeah we were chasing the Bounty Hunter who was trying to kill your "Whirlpen." What happened?

ANAKIN: You killed her.

OBIWAN: Oh yeah, I remember. What are all these dead bodies?

ANAKIN: Those are the people you killed as you fought Mrs. Bitchface in a rather wild, crazy-looking, fashion. Quite unlike you.

ANGRY PATRONS: You killed my mom! You killed my friend! Obiwan you suck!

ANAKIN: Official business. Get back do your drinks. Would you like me to "accept your apologies?"

ANGRY PATRONS: Nooo ahhh ahh run...

They haul ZAM outside. Suddenly she is shot with a poison dart.

ANAKIN: Wacky wowz.

OBIWAN (sarcastic): Oooooohhh way to go padawanawan! You used your _two_ favorite words in _one_ sentence!

ANAKIN: Shut up. We have a job to do.

OBIWAN: Oh yeah. Who shot that dart? Come on, come out.

**INT. ANOTHER BAR.**

OBIWAN: Yo, dex.

DEX: Yeah.

OBIWAN: Where's this dart from?

DEX: Kamino. Ten parsecs south of Dallas, on the Journal of the Whills Belt.

OBIWAN: Thanks. See ya.

**INT. JEDI TEMPLE.**

OBIWAN: Yo. Where's Kamino, it's not on the charts.

YODA: That's alright. Tell you where it is, my kidd0s will.  
Because smarter than adults, kids are.

OBIWAN: No they're not.

PADME: Ani is still a kid, and he's pretty smart, sort of. Smart, but stupid.

OBIWAN: F... Blaze off, stop insulting my padawanawan. You're pretty dumb yourself. Now. Where's Kamino?

YODA: Position here, it be. Backwards, speak I.

OBIWAN: This is wacky, to use my padawan's favorite word. See you. Oh. who looks after Padme?

YODA: Look after her, Anakin will.

OBIWAN: Thanks. see ya.

**INT. SPACE PORT.**

ANAKIN: Right, Padme. We're going to run far away, and then Miss. Bitchface's boss won't be able to kill you.

PADME: Cool.

ANAKIN: Yeah. We're going to go disguised as refugees.

PADME: Ooooooohh!! Dressy ups!!! Lovely!!!! Hehehehe.

ANAKIN: Wacky. Let's go. Bye, ObiWan.

OBIWAN: Bye Anakin. And bye to his Whirlpen.

(ANAKIN and PADME take off)

OBIWAN: I hope he doesn't do anything stupid.

TYPHO: I'd be more bothered about her. What did you call her? His whirlpen?

OBIWAN: Yeah. It's tatooineish slang for a politician.

TYPHO: That's bullshit. I lived on Tatooine till I was 20. Nobody calls politicians "whirlpens."

**INT. REFUGEE SHIP.**

ANAKIN sits reading "Dummies guide to Flirting."

PADME: What's that you're reading?

ANAKIN goes red in the face but uses the force to make himself normal color again.

ANAKIN: Uh. It just happened to be knocking around. Some Dummies book or something.

PADME: It says "Dummies guide to flirting."

ANAKIN: Uh yeah. Well anyway. Did you know, you are lovely? Did you know, I have thought about you ever day since the force-damned Jurassic period? Did you know I dream about you every night?

PADME: Is that you trying to "flirt"?

ANAKIN: Possibly.

PADME: Ohh well. Anyway. I love playing dressy ups! No one would guess that we look so much like refugees, but really we're a Senator and a Jedi knight!

All passengers turn their heads toward them.

ANAKIN: Until you just said so! You've got a voice like a fucking foghorn!

PADME: Crap.

**INT. PADME'S PARENT'S HOUSE.**

SOLA: Hey Padme.

PADME: Hey sister.

SOLA: Hello to Padme's boyfriend.

ANAKIN: Hello.

PADME: He's not my boyfriend.

ANAKIN: No, she's just my whirlpen.

PADME: Your girlfriend? No I'm not.

ANAKIN: I said whirlpen.

PADME: Whirlpen?

ANAKIN: Tatooineish slang for a poltiician.

DAD NABERRIE: Ah well. Hello Padme. Glad to see you're safe

PADME: Me too. I hope you dont' mind that I've been getting my cousin's killed, left right and center.

DAD NABERRIE: What?!

**FADE TO: EXT. NABOO FIELD.**

ANAKIN and PADME are in a conversation.

ANAKIN: ... and then what happened?

PADME: My dad started doing "agressive teaching"

ANAKIN: What's that?

PADME: Teaching by beating my sorry ass.

ANAKIN: Oh! So he wasn't too happy with your survivial plan of getting your cousins killed?

PADME: No. And then he told me I could never come back home, ever.

ANAKIN: Heh heh. So he beat you. Wacky.

PADME: Uh yeah. Lovely scenery isn't it.

ANAKIN: Yeah. Well, now it's time to perform chapter 41 of the Dummies guide to Flirting.

PADME: Huh? What is that?

ANAKIN: Well, it's very difficult to describe, let me show you.

PADME: Alright.

ANAKIN kisses PADME.

PADME: You sneaky little bastard, getting a kiss in by such sneaky means. Huh.

ANAKIN (giggles): Hehehehehe.

**EXT. KAMINO.**

OBIWAN: Yo, yo, yo. I am Obi-Yo-Wan-Yo. Hoo ya.

POLICEMAN: Need any help sir?

OBIWAN: Oh, you speak English! I am Jedi Master Obi Wan.

POLICEMAN: Cool. We've been expecting you. I'll take you to the Prime Minister.

OBIWAN looks shocked, thinks "expected?!"...

**INT. KAMINO PALACE.**

PM: Guess what? We've been making clones upon clones upon clones. Wow. Sifo Dyas told us to do it.

OBI WAN: Umm. Cool. Can I see?

PM: Sure.

OBIWAN: Wow. Who's the template?

PM: Jango Fett the big time bounty hunter.

OBIWAN: I wanna meet him.

**INT. JANGO'S HOUSE.**

OBIWAN: Hi jango.

JANGO: Hey.

OBIWAN: Um. Nice clones.

JANGO: Yeah.

OBIWAN: Have you ever gone so far into the inner core as to Coruscant?

JANGO: Once or twice.

OBIWAN: Recently?

JANGO: Possibly.

OBIWAN: Um. Cool. Cya.

OBIWAN leaves.

JANGO: Always a pleasure to meet a time wasting idiot.

BOBA: Heheheh.

JANGO : Gather your stuff, son. We're leaving. ObiWan is going to try to arrest me, I know it.

**EXT. KAMNO.**

OBIWAN rings YODA.

OBIWAN: Shall I arrest this bastard who tried to kill Anakin's whirlpen?

YODA: Indeed, definitely should you.

**INT. JANGO FETT'S HOUSE.**

OBIWAN: Ohh crap. He left.

Big sounds come from outside.

OBIWAN: No, he's taking off! Awesome!

OBIWAN tries to stop him. OBIWAN and JANGO fight. And fight. And fight. And fight some more. Then JANGO escapes.

OBIWAN: Crap.

OBIWAN put's a homing beacon on his ship.

**EXT. NABOO.**

ANAKIN: You know, you are hot!

PADME: I sure am. It's midsummer!

ANAKIN: No, I meant. Like... you are sexy.

PADME: Oh. Well, you are silly!

ANAKIN: Shut up. It was just that I had been taking spice that day.

PADME: Was it now?

ANAKIN: Anyway, you are too serious.

PADME: Am I now?

PADME rolls around like a silly little girl.

ANAKIN rolls around like a silly little boy.

**INT. JEDI TEMPLE.**

YODA sits meditating.

He sees images of the two.

YODA: Wow, silly they are.

**EXT. NABOO.**

PADME sits eating some soup.

ANAKIN uses the force to throw the soup all over her face, all down her dress, and everywhere.

PADME: Ooohhhh horrible! Yucky! Ugh! Clean me up! Ugh!

ANAKIN: If Obi Wan saw me using the Force like that, he'd be pretty grumpy.

PADME: I wouldn't fucking blame him! I've got soup all over my face!

ANAKIN: Oh, I'll clean it up.

ANAKIN licks the soup off her face.

PADME: There you go, sneaky kisses again.

ANAKIN giggles.

**INT. JEDI TEMPLE.**

YODA sits meditating.

YODA: Wow, why, take this idiot as a Jedi knight, did we...? A lamer, he is.

INT. JANGO'S SHIP.

BOBA: Dadz! Look. Obi-Wan put a homing beacon on our ship!

JANGO: Crap!

INT. OBI's SHIP.

OBIWAN: Ahhaha. I'm gonna get you.

JANGO Shoots at OBIWAN.

OBIWAN shoots at JANGO.

Then OBIWAN pretends to crash, by having R4 eject all the trash.

BOBA: We got him!

JANGO: Awesome.

INT. OBI'S SHIP.

OBIWAN: Right. We've waited long enough. Let's go. Oh. He's heading to Genosis, eh? Alright.

_**DREAM:**_

ANAKIN: Mom! No! Mom! No! Mom! No!

ANI'S MOM: Stop repeating yourself... agghh...

ANAKIN: CRAAAAPPP!!!

INT. NABOO

ANAKIN: Yo, I love you. Gimme a kiss.

PADME: Shut up. This is impractical.

ANAKIN: Why?!

PADME: Because the Jedi Bosses will kick you out.

ANAKIN: Bah, we'll keep it secret.

PADME: Won't work!

ANAKIN: Sure it will.

PADME: Shut up. Anyway, You had a nightmare lastnight.

ANAKIN: Uh. Yeah. My mom was snuffing it.

PADME: Snuffing it?

ANAKIN: Yeah. Dying.

PADME: Oh.

ANAKIN: I can feel it. She's in pain. I'm going to go and save her.

PADME: Ok.

**EXT. TATOOINE.**

ANAKIN: Hey, Watto. Hehe heh. Err. Where's my mom?

WATTO: Who are yo... Oh! Ani! You've sprouted!!

ANAKIN: Yeah. Where's my mom?

**INT. LAR'S HOUSE.**

ANAKIN: Where's my mom?

CLIEGG: Dead, probably. Tusken bastards kidnapped her. Fifty billion of us went to save her, two came back alive. One of whom was me, and I've got no legs now. It sucks ass.

ANAKIN: Hmph. I'm going to save her. Girly, stay with Cliegg. He's nice.

PADME: Ok.

ANAKIN hops onto LAR'S Speeder and chases the Tuskens.

**INT. TUSKEN TENT. NIGHT.**

Anakin comes in.

ANAKIN: Mom!

ANI's MOM: Oh! Ani! My son! MY grown-up son! You're so handsome! Wow.

ANAKIN: Mom, I'm getting you out of here.

ANI'S MOM: No, you're not, because I'm going to die! Heh heh.

ANAKIN: Ah, crap.

ANI'S MOM: I love...

ANI's MOM DIES.

ANAKIN: Grr.

ANAKIN walks out, turns on his lightsaber. And kills, and kills, and keeps killing till the blood is coming out of his ears. And kills, and kills. Until the swimming pools turned to blood, and the sand turned to bloody goo. And kills and kills. And pulls their throats out with his hands, and cut's their tounges with his teeth, and arranges their skulls in neat little patterns on the floor.

ANAKIN: Muahahahahahahahaha. Revenge. Muahahahahahahahahahaha.

INT. LAR'S HOUSE.

ANAKIN is in a big bad mood. He THROWS a hammer at a wall. He SOCKS the window.

PADME: What is it?

ANAKIN: I killed them all. The men, the women, the children.  
Mushahahahahahahahaha. They're animals, and I slaughtered them like animals.

PADME: Uh. O...kay.

**EXT. GENOSIS.**

OBIWAN: Oh crap. My long range transmitter isn't working. Let's try Anakin on naboo. Uh? Huh? Wacky! He's not on naboo. He's on Tatooine.  
Well, well.

OBIWAN turns on his comlink.

OBIWAN: Hello Ani.

R2: Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. Record message after tone.

OBIWAN: Oh hi. This is ObiWan. Relay this to Yoda and Mace and his pals. Yeah,  
Guess what? The seperatists are being nasty, and also they're building bigass droids on genosis, and err... Ahhh!!!!!

DROIDEKAS attack him.

**INT. JEDI TEMPLE.**

YODA: Wowz Wacky. At what just happened to Obi-Wan you should look!

MACE WINDU : Shall we rescue him?

YODA: Indeed.

**EXT. TATOOINE.**

ANAKIN: Wacky wowz, look what just happened to Obi Wan!

PADME: Shall we rescue him?

ANAKIN: Sorry, not allowed.

PADME: Uh. Well I'm going to rescue him, and if you want to protect me, you'll have to come with me.

ANAKIN: Sneaky little thing.

PADME: Yeah.

**INT. GENOSIS FACTORY.**

ANAKIN: Ooh look, we're in a factory.

PADME: Yeah. Where's Obi Wan?

C3PO: Gay. Machines producing machines!

PADME: Shut up, we have something to do.

3P0 gets pushed by R2 onto the assembly line.

R2 beeps gleefully.

3PO: Oh my goodne... Ahghh!

3P0 get's his head attached onto a battle droid

ANAKIN: Wha. Look what you're doing to my droids!

PADME: Shut up.

PADME tries to escape after getting stuck on assembly line stuff.

R2 frees her by programming something.

ANAKIN tries to escape, but loses his lightsaber.

The ghost of OBIWAN KENOBI appears

OBIWAN: A Jedi's lightsaber is his life.

ANAKIN: Shut up, will you! Jeez, you still do lectures when you're dead.

OBIWAN: I'm not dead, I am just telepathically --

ANAKiN: Annoying the hell out of me while I try to rescue you. Fuck off, will you!

OBI WAN: Look out!

JANGO FETT jumps down, blaster in hand.

JANGO: Don't move, Jedi!

ANAKIN: Uh shit. Obi wan, if I hadn't been arguing with your ghost,  
that would never have happened, because I could have force choked him before he pointed his blaster at me.

OBIWAN: Force choke? That's _dark_!

ANAKIN: Fuck off.

JANGO FETT: Did you just tell me to fuck off?!

ANAKIN: No, I was talking to Obi Wan.

JANGO: What the hell? Obi Wan is miles away.

ANAKIN: No, his ghost was talking to me.

PADME: Anakin, stop chatting!, I need to be rescued.

ANAKIN: Cant. I lost my lightsaber.

OBI WAN'S GHOST: A Jedi's lightsaber is his most precious posession.

ANAKIN: No shit.

PADME: Aww crap.

JANGO: Right. We're going to execute you all, because you suck.  
Heh heh. And you can't do anything, because a droid chopped your lightsaber.

**INT. GENOSIS CONFERENCE ROOM.**

COUNT DUDE: Oh duuude! What's this you brought in today, jango man? A chick senator? Sweeeet!

JANGO: Uh yeah. Padme Amidala, and Jedi Anakin Skywalker.

COUNT DUDE: Rock on, dude! You da bomb, jango!

ANAKIN: The opening crawl said I was da bomb.

JANGO: Fuck off, I'm the bomb.

ANAKIN: No, I'm the bomb.

PADME: Yeah no shit. The opening crawl said so! That's it! Anakin's da bomb, and Jango, you suck.

COUNT DUDE: Oh chill out dude! You just don't get it, do ya chick? We are rebels! We don't listen to no big opening crawls n shit. We do whatever the hell we wanna do! Jango's da bomb, and you are gonna be da bombed! Talk about the flipside, dude!

ANAKIN: Awwwwww.

COUNT DUDE: Now, chick. There is one way to crawl out of your tight spot.

PADME: What's that, uh.. dude?

COUNT DUDE: You join our rebellion, chick. You and them Nabooians are gonna be separitsts like we are, right, chick? And then I'll save your ass, chick.

PADME: Uh, what does your movement stand for... uh... dude?

COUNT DUDE: Real simple, man. We's cool. No more, no less, no flipside, no downside. If you's cool, you's a separitist. If you's no cool, you's a Republic guy.

PADME: Uh, Palpatine supports being cool... uh dude.

COUNT DUDE: Ooohhhh duuudeee. Yeah, he supports it, but he doesn't ACT it dude.

COUNT DUDE starts rapping:  
Palpatine... he no cool.  
Palpatine... he just wanna rule.  
But we rebels! We go with da trends.  
We rebels! We have loadsa rich frieends!

PADME: Well, uh. What's the rules to be counted a rebel... dude?

COUNT DUDE: Oh that's eaaasy as pie, babe. First, you need to adopt a cool name,. Like Count Dude. Or... Agressive Amidala the Alternative Activist Or something like that, chick.

PADME. Ok. I'm in.

COUNT DUDE: Oh, way to go dude! Fom henceforth you shall be known as... Padme the Picturesque Punk Princess, babe.

PADME: Uhh ok. And what about Anakin, uh dude?

COUNT DUDE: Uh. Skywalker the Sand-people-Slaughtering Psycho Swordsman.

ANAKIN: It just doesn't have the same feel as Anakin Skywalker. It doesn't... roll off your tounge, you know.

COUNT DUDE: Dude, do you have to make trouble right when we're sorting things out n shit?

ANAKIN: Um no.

COUNT DUDE: Awesome man. So ya remember ya names, fellas?

PADME: Uh. Padme the Picturesque Punk Princess.

ANAKIN: And Skywalker the Sand-people-slaughtering Psycho Swordsman.

PADME: Great. So now we go free?

COUNT DUDE: Oh chill dudes! Not so fast! Ya gotta enforce it on ya brothas and sistas too man.

PADME: Like... my citizens?

COUNT DUDE: Ya, your homies, chick.

PADME: Ok. So, if I agree to start enforcing it, I can leave.

COUNT DUDE: Sure thing, baby.

Then NUTE FATASS enters the room.

COUNT DUDE: Oh. Nute Dude? Let me introduce you to two new members of the separitist gang. This is Padme the Picturesque Punk Princess.  
Padme, this is Nute Fatass.

PADME: Uh, good to see ya, um... dude.

COUNT DUDE: And, this. This is Skywalker the Sand-People-slaughtering Psycho Swordsman. Skywalker? This is Nute.

ANAKIN: Um. Yo, Nute.

NUTE: Dude?

ANAKIN: Yeah?

NUTE: No I mean Count Dude.

COUNT DUDE: Oh. Ya wazzup man

NUTE: You agreed to kill Padme! Now you've saved her.

COUNT DUDE: Ohhhhhh. You's right, man. You no bulshittin me. If that aint the truth! I did agree to kill her!

PADME: But you agreed to save me!

COUNT DUDE: Oh dude I did! But business is business. I told Nute I'sa gonna kill you, Padme Punky. And I'sa man of my word[Raps:

When I tell ya, I'sa gonna do it You can know, it aint no bullshit I'sa man of my word, Dude What I do don't depend on my mood It sure don't depend on how I'ma feelin It depends on what I said when I'sa dealin Oh yeah yeah yah. Yeaah yeaah yeeeeeeeeahhhhh

NUTE: Does this mean you're going to kill her as you told me?

COUNT DUDE: You bet it does, dude. Jango, man. Take her to the colosseum.

JANGO FETT [to guards: Take them away.

PADME: Aww shit.

**INT. GLADIATOR WAGON.**

ANAKIN: Crap! Now we're going to die. Where's Russel Crowe when you need him?

PADME: I've been dieing a little bit each day since you came back into my life.

ANAKIN: Uh? That's bullshit. I know I've got you into a bit of trouble here and there. You got knocked up in that factory and hurt by Zam Bitchface. But it's an exaggeration to say you died a little bit each day! I'm not that bad!

PADME: No, dumbass. I mean... I'm so in love with you that it hurts not to have you!

ANAKIN: Oh babe! Wacky wowz that's awesome.

PADME: Before I die, I want you to know, I truly deeply think you're da bomb. I truly deeply love you from the bottom of my heart! Ah!

PADME cries.

ANAKIN: That's all very nice, but I wish you'd told me before it was too late to you know... do anything about it.

PADME: Shit happens.

**INT. SENATE, CORUSCANT.**

JAR JAR STINKS: Hellosa. Senators, Dellow Felagates.

Someone tosses a rotten Space-Tomato at him.

JAR JAR STINKS: Mesa dumbass, but mesa proposa thatsa emperor get emergency powers to sava the Jedi.

CROWD: Hhaha, we won't vote for a bill proposed by a moron!

JAR JAR STINKS: Dudesa, mesa Padme's represantivitveeevee..

CROWD: Oooohhhhhhhh. Ok. We do vote for it then.

WRINKLEFACE: Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaah. Yoda, here's some clone troopers. Muahahahahahahahhaha.

**EXT. GENOSIS EXECUTION ARENA.**

NUTE FATASS, COUNT DUDE, POGGLE THE PUNK, and a load of genosian morons are sitting watching the execution. OBIWAN is tied to a stake.  
ANAKIN and PADME are wheeled in.

POGGLE: Citizens! Genosians! We dedicate these games to the honor of the Cool Count Dude, and the honor of the Seperatist movement, of which you are all part. These pale, skinny reeds have been convicted of espionage against the Sovereign system of Genosis and will be executed publicly, henceforth.

COUNT DUDE

_ Raps:_  
If yousa act against Count Dude

You oughta know, he can be quite rude

Oooh yeah, oooh yeah.

If you try to be some kinda spy

You oughta know, yousa gonna die

Oooh yeah, oooh yeah.

If yosa act against Count Dude

You oughta know, yousa gonna be monster-food

Oooh yeah, oooh yeah.

If you try to be some kinda Johnny Rambo

You oughta know, yousa gonna be got by Jango

Oooh yeah yeah yeah. Yeaah yeeahh yeaahh yaahhhhhh!

The crowd CHEERS.

POGGLE: Let the executions begin!

The crowd goes WILD.

Down in the arena, three monsters come in. A lionlike thing (NEXU), a bull-like thing (REEK), and a totally weird alien (ACKLAY).

ANAKIN: Uh. I've got a bad feeling about this. For the Force's sake where's Russel Crowe?!

OBIWAN: Ok. Err. points at a monster You get that one, I'll get this one.

ANAKIN: And Padme?

PADME picks her chains with a hairpin concealed in her mouth, and climbs on top of the stake.

OBIWAN: She seems to be on top of things.

ANAKIN: Wacky wowz, that's the first truly funny thing you said in this whole film.

OBIWAN: Oh, shut up will you?

All hell breaks loose. Total chaos reigns as the Jedi Master, the Padawanawan and the Senator run all over the place to avoid becoming monster-food. It goes well at first, but then they get surrounded by DROIDEKAS.

Then COUNT DUDE finds himself sitting with a purple lightsaber pointing at his throat, held by Jedi Master MACE WINDU.

MACE WINDU: LOL. 0wned.

COUNT DUDE: Oh dude. Chill will ya? We were just having some fun watching these homies die. Anyway, yousa dumbass, Mace man. Watch this!

5 gazillion BATTLE DROIDS come rolling out.

MACE WINDU: OMG Hax!111

Everybody fights, fights, and fights. Lots of JEDI get killed. So does JANGO FETT. Then all the survivors get pushed to the middle of the arena to be shot. COUNT DUDE gives the signal then...

Bigass SPACESHIPS drop from the sky containing CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONE TROOPERS battle the BATTLE DROIDS. They fight and fight and fight some more.

Then they all escape.

INT. COMMAND CENTER.

COUNT DUDE, POGGLE, NUTE FATASS, ET AL, run and hide in a command center. They get the plans for the Death Star or something.

POGGLE: How did the Jedi get such a big army so quick?

COUNT DUDE: Magic, dude. Rock on, chill out, it aint no big deal.

He runs away with the plans for the Death Star.

INT. ANAKIN AND FRIENDS GUNSHIP.

OBIWAN: Look who's in that ship!

ANAKIN: Wacky, It's Count Dude.

OBIWAN: Let's get him!

ANAKIN gives chase.

A boom hits them, and PADME falls out.

ANAKIN: Holy shit, Padme fell out! Land the ship!

OBIWAN: No.

ANAKIN: Yes.

OBIWAN: No.

ANAKIN: Yes.

OBIWAN: No.

ANAKIN: Yes.

OBIWAN: No. Oh damn it. What would Padme do?

ANAKIN: Chase Count Dude probably, because she's like that.

OBIWAN: Precisely.

INT. SECRET HANGAR ON GENOSIS.

COUNT DUDE stands in the secret hangar, ANAKIN and OBIWAN come inside.

ANAKIN: You're gonna pay for hacking today, Count Dude!

COUNT DUDE: Chill out dude, I am going to stab you!

OBIWAN: Right. Slow, anakin, I'll take him on the right...

ANAKIN: No, I'm charging in like an arrogant dumbass.

OBIWAN: Ohhh crap.

ANAKIN charges, and charges. COUNT DUDE smiles slightly, then blasts him with force lightening all the way across the room.

OBIWAN: Oh dude. Now I have to fight the Count alone.

They fight and fight, but Count Dude is pretty impressive.

COUNT DUDE: Take that, dude. And that. And that.

OBIWAN: Aghh. Damnit, this guy's using an aimbot!

OBIWAN falls to the floor.

COUNT DUDE raises his sword to deliver the killing blow. The blade flashes down then ---- ANAKIN'S blade flashes in front and blocks it.

COUNT DUDE: Yousa bold but dumb, dude. Haven't you learned your lesson, man?

ANAKIN: I'm a slow learner.

OBIWAN: No shit. He's lost a lightsaber no less than three times already.

ANAKIN: Shut up.

OBIWAN: Here, Anakin. Here's a lightsaber! Catch!

ANAKIN catches OBIWAN'S lightsaber, and duels COUNT DUDE with two lightsabers.

MAXIMUS: Go man! Get him, dude!

ANAKIN: Wait where did you come in?

COUNT DUDE: Who, me get him?

MAXIMUS: No, Anakin get you! Go, man!

ANAKIN: Yeeahhhhhhh. Aghhh!

COUNT DUDE knocks away the second lightsaber, and severs his right arm.

ANAKIN: Aww crap, where's my hand gone?

COUNT DUDE: You will die.

MAXIMUS: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."

ANAKIN: Ah. It vexes me. I am terribly vexed.

COUNT DUDE is about to kill him, when YODA hops in.

COUNT DUDE: Well hi there Yoda dude!

YODA: Greetings, Count Dude.

COUNT DUDE: That's the last time your very uncool 800 year old self inteferes with my cool plans, Yoda dude.

YODA: Doubt that, I do.

COUNT DUDE: Oh dude, ya can't even talk normally, man!  
(sarcastic) Sweeeet.

YODA: Silly, your speech is.

COUNT DUDE: Oh cut it out, dude.

They fight.

COUNT DUDE manages to escape.

YODA: Fought well, but talked oddly, have you, my old padawanawan.

COUNT DUDE: See ya, dude.

COUNT DUDE takes off.

**EXT. CORUSCANT STREETS.**

Billions of CLONE TROOPERS march, WRINKENOSE watches.

WRINKLEFACE: Muhahahahahaahahahahahahhhaahahaha an army.

**EXT. NABOO.**

A NABOO HOLY MAN marries ANAKIN and PADME.

They kiss.

ANAKIN: Wowz. I got you in the end! I'm da bomb!

**FADE OUT.**


End file.
